enditfast

And i look back into my diary, why do i say those things?

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 22:05:38 GMT

- im at the point where tap would send me flying backwords. im not sure how much more i can take. how much more will i be able to handle? i can't deal with all of this. any of this to be exact. the crying the hurt the pain. the failing hope of a better tomorrow. tomorrow is never better

- im going to see jacqui tomorow. i dont want to go. not unless he's there with me. but me & him. i don't know whats going on with us. i love him. i swear on it. i'd do just about anything for him. i'd take a bullet if it was shot at him. i'd give my life if he could keep his. i want him as happy as he can be. i don't want to see him hurt, upset or mad. i dont want him to yell or be yelled at. i want everything to be better for him. because i care. i care so much. whether he believes it or not. i care. and i love him. together or not he has my heart and he'll have it to the end.

- so since the last entry we got back together and then broke up last night. [ i think] and im trying to be happy im trying not to be hysterical like last time but im taking my pain out in other ways. i can fake a smile. i can pretend to want to talk to people. i can fake a laugh. i can fake anything. i can pretend to have interest in you, when really i think you're a pervert. friend sex. kill me. it won't happen. i'll only give myself to the boy i love. i might not have him right now but i hope that i will. i'm a mess. worse than a lost child in the forrest. atleast they know to stay still. i can't. my head doesnt know what to think or what to do so it does everything.

- so im restricting what i eat. i was doing good today until my dad kind of forced me to eat. he talked me into it. i wasn't even hungry. im going to throw it up as soon as my sister comes back down stairs. i won't eat unless i want to. nobody can make me. i want to be thin, and i will be. no matter what it takes. i will be thin. my pants are starting not to fit, i need to poke more holes in my belt. my shirts look a tad baggy. that makes me happy. seeing my bones stick out make me ectastic. and im hardly like that anymore.

- im going to break the rules im going to fall in love. im going to do drugs im going to smoke im going to drink. im going to do what i want. no stopping me now. you wont stop me ever. if i want something ill get it. ill do whatever makes me happy. you're not going to approve of everything but im going to do it anyways. you'll forgive&forget. i know you will. i'll party hard until the day i die. starting today my life is in my hands. no regrets no turning back live life like there's no tomorrow. im going to try everything i want to try. im going to do everything i want to do. and nobody's going to stop me. so take that thought right out of your head.

- i love the girls that walk around being proud that they're sluts. i love the girls that run their mouth as soon as you turn your back. i love the girls that cant say shit to my face. word gets around. and it gets around to me fast. i may not have a lot of good friends but i have ears everywhere. word gets back to me fast. and i wish somebody would say something to my face. you haven't seen anything yet. im not as innocent as i look. i was born with a temper. and as ive gotten older its increased greatly. so fuck with me. go ahead. try me.

--later days.
your favorite mistake

hate's such a strong word; but i really really don't like you right now.

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 23:37:10 GMT

-- i won't forget today. bad luck. bad scars. i miss you. i miss you already. it's been hours since you took my like and im lonely. im sad. im missing you more than anything. i don't need you, but i want you. i don't love you, but im in-love with you. a dream come true is now only a thing of the past. and i want it back, but not for a second will i tell/ show you that. i can't.

-- you hand was suppose to be mine to hold. why'd you take that from me? i know it wasn't your fault. but you let me go. so i can blame it on you. i'd give anything to have your arms around, to have just one more kiss. but yet that'd leave me wanting one more right after. and maybe teasing me right now would cure this hurt, but maybe it'd leave me side by side with my blood stained razor. i'm left here. and you're there.

-- i'd never thought this day would come when the boy would leave me. i never imagined hearing the word single refer to me. i want him back. i'd give it all to hear his voice. for one last ' i love you' 5 months down the drain. i have no regrets. except for letting you go. i want you. oh how i want you. here i go again with these unneeded tears. the hurts starting to hurt again. and my stomaches telling me that what i ate wasn't needed. soon i will discard it. soon i will be the perfect weight. so i will be nothing but a girl in the past.

-- my grandmother stopped by. she says my face is looking skinnier. she knows how to change the way she sees them. im not looking skinnier. only fatter. chunkier. sickening. -- dr. prescribe me something strong to lose this weight. -- a need for diet pills and a fast is on. and today i've been good. with eating-- 1 donut; & 1 small piece of pizza. and some candy corn. 2 bottle of water. -- make me skinny. make me happy.

-- im not sure i know exactly where i am right now. i feel like im nowhere. my mind isn't even near me. wondering away from me. the more i think about him the more these tears fall. i want him. i need him. i said it. i need him. the only thing that made me happy is gone. and it's my fault. im not sure you're okay. im not sure i'm okay. we were okay together. but apart im not too sure. i've let you have the best of me. and i want you still to have the best of me. i want you to have me. any part of me.

-- last chance for one last dance. --- im not happy at all right now. im not sure who will take me to see jacqui, because i was only okay when you took me. it would be weird asking you to take me. since we're not together. i think i'll stop going. you were the only reason i went. to make you happy. something was wrong. and that something was my head. my wrist. my heart. that something was me. i was wrong. im like a bullet through your head. not needed or asked for. you wanted me to feel better. to be happy. and i only went for you. because i wanted to make you happy. i just didn't do that though. i made you worse. i made you sad. i made you hurt. i made you cry. im the reason you're not doing well. it's me. forgive me. i wanted nothing but to make you happy. im writing this like you're actually reading it. but you're not. you don't even know about this. i never told you. i dont want you to know. it'd make you hurt. and i don't want you to hurt.

-- if you ever read this there are some things i'd want you to know -- i love you, and i always will. im sorry for hurting you, and if i could take back all the times i made you hurt and give them to myself i would. i'd stop a bullet for you. i still would. you weren't just the love of my life. but my best friend. you knew so much about me. you were the only thing i had. i felt so comfortable around you and even if we don't get back together. i want to be friends forever. it wouldn't be the same but it'd be something and i need that something to keep me going. -- fuck i miss you. and im crying. im not sure why i miss you so much. it's only been hours. i took what i had for granted. i wish you could see this. i wish you knew what was going through my head

-- i can't write anymore. i'll lose it again.<3

Later Days,

-- You're favorite mistake

Come on I know you want to

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 00:35:30 GMT

I'm not quite sure where i stand in life right now. it's a mix between sick and sane. I'm leaning more towards sick. I could break at any second. Try me. I'm like sciccors on a piece of thread. cut me. kill me. do anything but don't save me.

THE MONSTER doesn't realize that you can't break true love. push at us and try but my boy is mine. and nobody not even THE MONSTER can break us. tell me i can't see my boy, i'll find a way around it. my boy would do anything for me, and i'd do anything for him. he's the only one that keeps me here. the only on keeping that sharp blade from my skin tonight.

on the subject of sharp things. i'm feeling like a coke fien who hasn't has that good stuff in hours. but with knives. i need that pain. that hurt. that blood dripping down my arm. the feeling of success after keeps me alive. -- cut me, it makes me feel human-- come on. i can take the pain if only you could handle the truth. i'm not weak when i have that razor in my hand, i can prove it to you anytime.

friends are my enemy right now. who can you trust and who can't you trust. i've chosen my two and they've got me all the time. my crutches. they make me feel sane. they tell me it's okay, when it really isn't. a little attempt of hope never killed anyone. not yet atleast. i dont have many friend and i'm not looking for any either. i know what happens when you spill your heart to the wrong people. they twist it and turn it and throw it back out to the world. where it doesn't belong. fuck them.

i'm not mean and im not cold. i'm hurt. and maybe a little sad. my life went from good to bad to horrible to okay to great to bad to horrible to kill me now. several times. and i'm giving up. no point in trying to fail. because then what do you have? nothing.

i'm fasting again. starting tonight. right now. i will be thin. and you can't stop me. 98 will always be the perfect weight. and sooner or later i will be that weight. try and stop me. i don't give up until i've got what i want.

Talk to you soon <3
-- Your favorite mistake.